Why Did You Hire Me?

This column is not so much for you, readers, as it is for the higher-ups at Thing X. I was recently hired as a staff writer only to find out on Monday, my first day on the job, that the company was going under.

Why did you hire me?

I’d love to know, as would the people close to me who depend on my paycheck to survive. Why did you look me in the eye, welcome me aboard, and hand me a binder filled with employee benefits that would apply to me for literally one week? I had a great job at a more—a much more—successful company with fantastic healthcare and a 401(k) plan. But I left that all behind to start over at Thing X—and it wasn’t easy.

I mean, do you know how annoying and time-consuming it is to fill out all of that paperwork? There were W-2s, W-4s, and I-9s, none of which are very straightforward or intuitive, not to mention something called the X-770, which was just a form with the words “X-770” on it that I had to initial 50 times before the HR rep tore it up in front of me and fed it to a hog. Such a huge, pointless headache.

A headache, I might add, that could have been very easily avoided if one of you had at some point said something to the effect of, “We are actually shutting down as a company the very week you are starting here,” before I was locked in an unventilated projection room for three straight days of orientation videos and sing-alongs. That wouldn’t have been so hard, right?

Do you understand how badly you’ve fucked me here? I just QUIT a good job for no reason and spent the last two nights crying myself to sleep. We are, after all, in the midst of a 10-year recession, though something tells me the “people” who fired me will be doing just fine.

And no, my old job will not take me back, since it is apparently Thing X policy to call a new hire’s former employer and gloat profanely—like, really profanely. What possible reason would a company have to do this? Nothing makes sense here. Why was I forced to spend a week sleeping in a crematorium? Why did I have to hunt and field dress a stray dog? All of this horrifying, deeply disturbing stuff to get this job, and for what?

Oh, and why was actor Timothy Hutton the only person contacted for my background check, even though I’ve never in my life met the man?

Please, please explain to me why I was hired and why you ruined my life and I’ll go about my miserable, unemployed way. Really, I’ll accept almost any explanation, no matter how cruel or selfish or misguided. I just want closure. Something. Anything. Please. Just…why?

Hi, everyone, my name’s Kelly Hudson, by the way.