Who Will Succeed Pope Benedict?

With the abrupt resignation of Pope Benedict XVI, speculation over the pontiff’s successor has begun in earnest. According to Thing X Vatican watchers, the seven candidates below are considered the most serious contenders.

Cardinal Tarisco Bertone

The clear favorite, Cardinal Bertone has won the Vatican’s “Nicest Smile” category for the past seven years running.

Cardinal Steve Blaze

Considered the coolest cardinal in history, this 32-year-old former bassist could inject much needed youth appeal into the Catholic Church’s highest office. Cardinal Blaze has already promised to change the pope’s vestments to a leather jacket and ripped jeans, and to ride around in a bulletproof Corvette instead of “that dorky, played-out Popemobile."

These Redwing Work Boots

These sturdy leather boots have the all-weather durability needed to lead the world’s 1.1 billion Catholics in any conditions, and their hardline positions on abortion, birth control, and the menace of secularism would be very much in line with those of previous popes.

Cardinal Crunch

The mascot for a line of popular Roman Catholic breakfast cereal, Crunch’s mass appeal could make him a top contender. But will he be tainted by accusations that, as Archbishop Crunch, he routinely sheltered pedophiles?

Cardinal Enrico Gucciano

While his staunch conservatism in matters of doctrine and social issues comfortably align him with his predecessors, Cardinal Gucciano is seen as a long shot due to the fact he is on fire and unlikely to live another 30 seconds.

Steve Guttenberg, Tom Selleck, and Ted Danson

For obvious reasons, many strongly suspect the stars of Three Men and a Baby will be reunited to split the leadership of the Roman Catholic Church three ways.

"Yahoo! Answers" User SammySmith42

Many predict that SammySmith42 will become the new pope after posing the question, "how do I becum the pope?" on answers.yahoo.com. Vatican insiders say he would probably make as good a Pope as anyone.