Thing X Apologizes
Feb. 25, 2013
On behalf of Thing X, I'd like to offer the following public apology for everything we've ever done:
I am sorry to the thousands of people who took offense when we suggested that water chestnuts were worse than the Killing Fields of Cambodia. The fact that I find their sickening, crunchy texture and utter lack of flavor personally disgusting, is irrelevant to the millions who died in that terrible tragedy.
They are really bad, though.
We'd like to apologize to those who did not enjoy our Christmas album, "Now That's A Merry Fucking Christmas!" The word "Fuck" was testing well that year among schoolchildren, and we figured it would be a no-brainer.
We'd also like to say "we are sorry" to the dozens of schoolchildren we accidentally released nerve gas on in our testing chambers the year we released our Christmas album.
In addition, let me take this opportunity to apologize to anyone who's ever been offended by anything at any point throughout time. To be challenged in any way, or made to feel an emotion that is not immediately recognizable, is the worst thing in the world, and something for which the incredible human gift of language should never, ever be used. We are sorry if your feelings were ever hurt about anything.
To that end, we're sorry to the people of Pompeii, JonBenet Ramsey, the people of Afghanistan, the people of Iraq, the people of Rochester, New York, those who were unhappy with their last meal, the world's retarded people, the victims of the tsunami thing, anyone who was offended just now by the term "retarded people," Jimmy Spivey, whom I made fun of in high school for his big fat head, Armenians, and, most importantly, victims everywhere—especially our advertisers.
Rest assured that from this day forward, nothing will matter to us more than your comfort, now and after we are dead. Moreover, we have taken immediate action and murdered every intern involved with these incidents.
Thing X CEO