The Dark Side of Dear Abby

With the passing of Pauline Philips, better known to 100 million readers as “Dear Abby,” the media has been lavishing praise on the famed advice columnist, completely leaving out a number of instances of terrible—and downright dangerous—advice. Here are some of the most glaring examples:

April, 1954
Dear Abby,
My husband often comes home from work in a foul mood and handles me in the roughest way imaginable. I know I should be grateful for the conveniences he provides, such as my Electric Iron and Washing Machine, but should he be allowed to scream at me and strike me so much? 
-Confused Housewife

Dear Confused Housewife,
Since your letter also has your address on the envelope, I’m making sure your poor hubby gets a copy of it, so he knows what his ungrateful wife is doing when she should be vacuuming.

July, 1967
Dear Abby,
I'm a guru at Haight-Ashbury and a musician living in California. Things are going really great for me, but it just doesn't feel like enough. I've convinced my girlfriend to let 18 more women move in with us and have a big crazy road trip planned. What should my next move be?
-Charles in Charge

Dear Charles,
Try to figure out what makes you the most mad and pin it on innocent people and then KILL THEM. Also the Beatles' White Album means A LOT. Really take that seriously. HELTER SKELTER!

October, 1970
Dear Abby,
I have a twenty-year-old son I strongly suspect to be a homosexual. How should I react to the man he brings around, whom I believe to be his lover?
-Concerned Mother.

Dear Concerned,
When forced into a social interaction where you are uncomfortable, my advice is always the same: stare into space until unwanted parties toddle off elsewhere. It has always worked for me.

January, 1996
Dear Abby,
I’m a well-known director, but, after a run of commercially and critically successful films, I made a bit of a misstep with my last venture, the third installment in what should have been the greatest cinematic trilogy of all time. I sort of boned it by swapping out two of the best actors in American history with my wooden, non-actor daughter, and now I need to get my career back on track. I’ve included a few scripts along with this letter; would you mind looking them over and seeing if anything strikes your fancy?
-Francis of Hollywood

Dear Francis, 
These all look fine, but I’ve got one of my own that I think would be perfect for you, about a boy who ages four times more rapidly than other children his age. I’ve already contacted Robin Williams, and he’s good to go. Let me know if you have any notes, but I can tell you, this thing is ready to shoot as is.

September, 1983
Dear Abby,
It,s Rush Week and I,ve had a lot to drink I’m so drunk. 25 beers at leash I can’t see. But ii have to get into a frat So drunk and not allowde to puke. Breathing hard. Im scared now. Really scared. Want to go home. I had fuckin‚ vodka too. cannt breaht
-Freshman Too Much Alcohocol

Dear Freshman,
Your time in college can be the best years of your life, and you should embrace them! Moreover, fraternities are wonderful organizations that will provide a lifetime of memories and unbreakable bonds. These are your friends and they only want what’s best for you, so just do as they say, and trust them instead of writing to an old lady for advice! What are you complaining about, anyway? It sounds like you’re having an awesome time, so grow a pair, you fag. 

Dear Abby,
I live at home with my parents in New Hampshire, but this place is so boring that we’ve been fighting day and night lately! I need some kind of outlet before I go crazy, but I really don’t have any marketable skills. What should I do?
-Steven

Dear Steven,
You should start a band called Aerosmith and, twenty years from now, write and sing the song “Love In An Elevator.” Dance disgustingly during the music video and get paid from this.

August, 2001
Dear Abby,
For years I have sought some way to channel the hatred and injustice I and my Muslim brothers feel for the west, but I have yet to find the proper target. We've been training in Afghanistan for some time, but I sense that if I don't come up with a plan soon, the movement will fall apart. Any assistance or insight you can provide would be much appreciated.
-Osama

Dear Osama,

يجب ضرب العدو مباشرة في قلب الفعل مع ضخمة جدا في رمزيته، ومدمرة جدا في تأثيره، ان العالم كله سوف تنتبه. لذلك، أقترح تحلق طائرتان في برجي مركز التجارة العالمي في مدينة نيويورك. سوف تصبح ساخنة وقود الطائرات بحيث الحزمة جدا حتى عقد المباني سوف تذوب، مما تسبب في مقابر ضخمة للرأسمالية في الانهيار مثل أعمدة من الملح. انتظر صباح مشمس جميل لارتكاب هذا العمل، ومشاهدة العالم يتحول على نفسه من الخوف والذعر.

DEATH TO THE GREAT SATAN
Hope this helps!

Dear Abby,
I'm an astronaut in a top secret NASA program, and I was recently sucked through a trans-dimensional wormhole. What should I do? If I understand these temporal shifts properly, you may have already answered my question before you've received this letter. If that is the case, please disregard.
-Lost In Space And Time!

Dear Lost,
I did a little research in my timeline, and it appears as though you were hit by a bus. You survived, but were then hit by another bus, after which you were hit by buses for nearly 18 consecutive hours before someone came along an hosed your remains down a storm drain.

August 1977
Dear Abby,
I’m 16 years old, and I have a boyfriend who I love dearly. The problem is that my boyfriend is pressuring me for sex. I don’t think I’m ready yet. What should I do?
-Confused In Sacramento

Dear Confused,
Do you seriously think he’s going to stick around if you don’t give it up? NOT A CHANCE. Guys have needs, and if you don’t fill those needs, he’ll go somewhere else. He's just looking to get his dick wet once in a while. You don’t want to wind up fat, unfucked, and alone, do you? So kwitcherbellyachin, get on your back, and spread those legs.

PS. Anal, too.

March,1889
Dear Abby,
I’m thinking of giving birth to Adolf Hitler, but with the economy the way it is right now I’m not sure it’s a great idea. Should I do it?
-Klara Hitler

Dear Klara,
Go for it.