News FAQ: Poisonous Primate
A primate has been discovered in the central-east highlands of Borneo. The Kayan Loris is a species of slow loris with a poisonous bite. Here are some of the questions people have about the discovery.
Aaahhh! Do these live under my bed?
Not to our knowledge.
This primate's poison comes from a gland on its arm. If we just shoot that gland off, it will no longer be poisonous, right?
Yes, but then you’ll have a very angry animal that can still defend itself by biting and clawing.
Just to be clear, I don’t have to worry about this unless I live in the central-east highlands of Borneo, correct?
Yes, this creature is native to —
Oh my God! I do live the central-east highlands of Borneo!
In that case, you have probably been living alongside it for quite some time, but should probably use some caution.
This seems a little shady. Is this primate cheating?
This animal’s natural toxins evolved over millennia. “Cheating” does not apply in this instance.
What if they stow away on a barge, or swim to the United States, or get student visas?
In the highly unlikely occurrence that one is able to survive a journey to the United States on a cargo ship, or by swimming, it will be unable to reproduce alone. It is even more unlikely that one will be able to make it through the necessary paperwork to apply for a student visa, much less pass through the screening process.
You know what the most dangerous primate is? Man.
It seems you’ve answered your own question. Thank you.