News FAQ: Anti-Anxiety Medication Affecting Fish
Researchers have found that traces of the anti-anxiety medication Oxazepam are making their way into the water and can make fish less social. Here are some of the questions people have about these findings:
Q. Aren’t less anxious fish more productive, higher functioning, and generally happier with their lives?
Normally, the fish studied swim and feed in schools. The medicated fish overeat and become less social, making them more prone to attack from predators. And to date, no one has quantified the happiness of fish.
Q. Can’t they just make a counteractive fish medicine and then prescribe it to the fish?
A. It is very unlikely that fish, which are not sentient, would adhere to a prescription medication regimen.
Q. Does this mean every time I take my medication, I should stop flushing a pill down the toilet and saying “one for me, one for the fish?”
A. Yes, you should absolutely stop doing that.
Q. What will these fish do when they run out of insurance?
A. Those fish that do not qualify for federal disability benefit will be forced to go without.
Q. Will these fish take over the world?!
A. Probably not. Taking over the world would involve fully developed brains. These fish are simply braver.
Q. Bears eat fish, and so do eagles. Do we now have to worry about super-aggressive bears and eagles?
A. You present a terrifying and logical scenario that we had not considered. Congratulations, you have made “News FAQ” wet its pants.