Meet The Academy Awards' Seat-Fillers!
They may not get to walk the red carpet or be up for any golden statuettes, but seat-fillers are essential to making the Academy Awards a magical evening. Here are just a few of those unsung heroes of Oscars night:
Terra Cotta Warriors: Historically buried with the first Chinese Emperor to protect him in the afterlife, many of these warriors now fill seats at the Oscars to protect the event from appearing as though it is under-attended.
Brett Ratner: The Tower Heist director who withdrew from producing last year’s Academy Awards after he used an anti-gay slur will be chained naked to a seat in a special area in front of the orchestra pit, where audience members and presenters can throw garbage at him and urinate on him throughout the show.
Ron Perlman, In Full Hellboy Makeup: Academy Award producers felt that Mr. Perlman as-is was simply too grotesque-looking to serve as a seat-filler, and reached this compromise with the actor.
Wicker Baskets, Possibly Filled With Snakes: Large wicker baskets are often used to fill seats at the Oscars, though it remains unclear if they contain snakes, as no one has ever dared open one.
QuikRete® Fast-Setting Seat-Fill Compound: An industry secret for years, QuikRete® Seat-Fill compound sets up into a vaguely human-like shape in a matter of minutes, after which the theater crew will spray-paint onto it a tuxedo or designer dress. After the ceremony, the compound can be removed with just a couple of hours of jackhammering.
72 Clones Of Billy Crystal: Sadly, the number of Billy Crystal seat-filler clones is down from 85 after several perished late last year in a basement fire in the Dolby Theater, where they are stored between ceremonies.
Unnamed Corpses from L.A. County Morgue: Tinseltown’s biggest night often employs "John Does" and "Jane Does," which serves the dual purpose of filling seats and increasing the probability that family members will positively identify the corpses after seeing them on national television.
The American Ghost Orchid: Star of the film Adaptation and the object of many a botanist’s life-long search, the incredibly rare Ghost Orchid has been nestled in a seat of the coveted fourth row for nearly a decade.
Edible Arrangement Made To Look Like A Person Who Is A Solid “6”: This collection of fruit has been carefully arranged to resemble a person who is a solid “6,” in terms of attractiveness – nothing special, but definitely a fruit-person you wouldn’t kick out of bed for eating crackers.
Meerkat Seat Fillers, Inc.: The go-to business to call if you’re an awards show with seats to fill, Meerkat Seat Fillers, Inc. can arrange to deliver between one and 200 tuxedo-clad meerkats specially trained to spot and occupy empty seats.