Inside the Academy Awards Swag Bag

The Oscar statuettes may be the prizes of the night, but no one goes home a loser with the goodies to be found in the traditional Academy Awards gift bag!

1. Coupon For Fudgsicle
Since 1998, coupons for the frozen dessert have been used in place of the actual item, which melted easily.
Value: 75 cents

2. Four Commemorative Cans Of Wolf Brand Chili
These Oscar-shaped cans of the South’s most popular chili are made of fine crystal, allowing recipients a sneak peek at the chili inside!
Value: $585

3. Two Full-Grown Akitas
Two adult Akitas, Japanese dogs that are said to be natural babysitters.
Value: $3,000

4. An iPod Pre-Loaded With Audio Recordings Of Billy Crystal Yelling At Writers
A “best-of” collection of Billy Crystal’s backstage tirades from his nine times as host of the Academy Awards. Rumor has it that the infamous “Fat Homo Who Wouldn’t Know Funny If It Sucked His Dick” rant aimed at Bruce Vilanch will be included!
Value: $250

5. Bone Fragment Belonging To An Actor Who Never Made It In Showbiz
Small splinter of thigh bone from an actor who came out to Hollywood full of hope and potential but just never got his big break.
Value: $0

6. The Autobiography Of Malcolm X
Paperback version of the black activist’s autobiography.
Value:$9.50

7. A Photograph Of A Third-World Child Who Died Of Disease Or Starvation During The Ceremony
A photograph of young child from India, Sub-Saharan Africa, or another desperately impoverished part of the world who perished while millionaires congratulated each other with golden statues.
Value: $5

8. A 3.4 Oz. Bottle Of Justin Bieber’s Signature Fragrance, Ballin’ (For Women)
Value: $25

9. Lump Crabmeat
The traditional dollop of lump crabmeat.
Value: $13