IN SCIENCE: Tumor-Eating, Ecstasy-Excreting Microbes
Thing X, Inc. is a great believer in furthering scientific research and knowledge, if solely to help accomplish its various ends. As such, the company subsidizes its own private, state-of-the-art research facility, which regularly publishes a scientific journal outlining its latest findings. From time-to-time, ThingX.com will feature abstracts from this journal to illustrate just some of the hundreds of exciting new breakthroughs that are happening every day in our corporate laboratories.
Re-engineering of Tumor-Eating Microbes to Excrete Minimally Acceptable Levels of Ecstasy as Byproduct
Charles Clayton, M.D., J. Ruby-Schmidt, Ph.D., Paul Letz, M.D.
Although our development in 2006 of an anaerobic bacterium that rapidly destroyed all cancer cells it came into contact with was, in and of itself, a major breakthrough, the bacterium’s inability to also excrete any MDMA (“Ecstasy”) whatsoever compelled us to withhold our support for its medicinal use; we could not in good conscience endorse any treatment that merely dissolved malignant tumors without producing a psychotropic party drug as a byproduct1. We have therefore spent the last six years working to reengineer the microbe to meet our minimum acceptable standards2, and the results are exciting.
We revisited the disappointing cancer-eating microbes with the goal of restructuring the organisms’ digestive and excretory systems to incorporate MDMA. Experimentation started on lab mice with cancerous tumors and then moved to human test subjects.
We ran simultaneous tests on a group of tumor-laden mice injected with the new microbe; a group of mice given straight MDMA with no microbes; a control group of mice given a placebo; and Dr. Letz, who was administered 140 mg of MDMA without his knowledge via his turkey sandwich and who ultimately agreed it was pretty funny, despite initially expressing profound anger and fear.
Among the eight mice administered the new microbe, nearly all tumors were quickly obliterated, but, very discouragingly, only one of the animals seemed to be even moderately high.3 In our second round of testing, however, not only did the tumors disappear, but all of the mice were just rolling.4 Big time. Overall, the results were positive enough to move on to human testing.
After several human trials, all of which produced microbes capable of eradicating tumors but with Ecstasy excretions ranging from “way too mellow” to “quick and uneven,” we were finally able to engineer a bacterium that could excrete a steady, reliable flood of MDMA. One subject in particular who came in with “ass cancer” said that the microbes were better than anything else available and were comparable to candy flipping. We were unable to quantify exact levels and rates of excretion in this subject, as he kept running out of the lab over the course of the testing. He did, however, repeatedly mention that he was anywhere between “really high” and “really really too high help me.”
A side effect of re-engineering the microbes to produce MDMA is an increase in the period it takes them to destroy cancer, so it is important that patients be able to handle continuously rolling for anywhere from 48 to 100 or more hours, depending on tumor size. We should also mention that maintaining that high for so long can result in dehydration and worn-down teeth, due to continuous grinding.
We are requesting additional funding to develop a supplementary bacterium to excrete a THC-based compound to help with comedown effects, as the Tuesday Blues from this much Ecstasy seem to be significant.
1. Since 2006, we have been inundated with questions concerning whether it was absolutely necessary for the microbes to excrete Ecstasy before the public could benefit from their cancer-destroying properties. We explained repeatedly that it was pure foolishness to end our research prematurely, while the microbes were still not excreting recreational stimulants at target levels. To do so would be the equivalent of building a bedroom with walls but no mirrored ceiling.
2. Eating a minimum of 8 cancerous cells/hour and excreting at least 120 mg of MDMA/hour.
3. In the control groups, the mice given only MDMA got much higher. The placebo mice were also administered MDMA after it became clear that the placebo wasn’t getting them even a little high and all the other mice appeared to be having a much better time. All mice in both groups eventually died from their huge tumors. Dr. Letz was kept well hydrated and eventually slept for 14 straight hours under his desk. He had a blast.
4. One mouse did need to be euthanized around the 26th hour after he wouldn’t stop rubbing his genitals on all the other mice, despite his increasingly raw and bloody groin.