In Development: The Stupid Hat, For Jerks
The Research and Development arm of Thing X, Inc. is dedicated to staying at the forefront of consumer products and technology. Each week, we offer potential investors a glimpse into some of the exciting projects we'll be rushing into the marketplace as quickly as is humanly possible:
Even in a saturated marketplace, today’s jerks have a difficult time finding a hat stupid and annoying enough for their needs. The Stupid Hat, For Jerks meets, and surpasses, those needs by taking the essential features from several types of traditional stupid hats and combining them into the ultimate stupid hat, designed for every segment of the jerk demographic. No longer will big jerks have to choose between forcing a lewd slogan upon those around them, making loud noises, or generally looking like an obnoxious moron at the center of everyone’s attention; the Stupid Hat, For Jerks simultaneously accomplishes all of these, and more!
How It Works
The Stupid Hat, For Jerks features an air horn, a six-piece SureSurround speaker system, an MP3 player pre-loaded with two dozen jerk- and a-hole-themed songs—including “Tequila,” “Popcorn,” and Sisqo’s “The Thong Song”— as well as LED “party lights” with more than 1,000 hours of life, and a pair of mechanical clapping hands. The hat can be operated manually or by remote control, and all of the individual systems can be set to turn on and off randomly for a period of 90 minutes by utilizing Super Jerk Mode. The hat also features brackets larger than those found on traditional foam dome-style hats, which are capable of securely holding 24-ounce “tallboy” cans of beer.
Originally inspired by reports of unsatisfied jerks crudely gluing parts of one novelty hat to another with disastrous results, prototypes for the Stupid Hat, For Jerks date back nearly two decades. Early models caused significant neck injuries to volunteer test jerks due to the often-unbearable weight of the combined features. Advances in lightweight polymers and microchip technology now allow for the production of a hat that contains all of the necessary jerky accouterments, yet is still comfortable enough to wear for the duration of any rock concert, sporting event, or wedding.
The primary obstacle in developing the Stupid Hat, For Jerks has been perfectly calibrating the hat to a level of jerkiness just below the threshold at which the wearer would be immediately physically assaulted. We are proud to say that, after 19 years of testing, the latest model of the hat can now cause maximum annoyance for up to 20 minutes without inviting grievous bodily harm to be visited upon the wearer.
In anticipation that The Stupid Hat, For Jerks is commercially successful, plans for The Stupid Hat, For Jerks, In Yellow are already in the development pipeline.
List Of Pre-Loaded Hat Slogans
- Hey Ladies! Fuck You.
- People Are Dumb People.
- No, You're Stupid.
- I Don’t Have a Drinking Problem. I Don’t.
- No Overweight/Fat Women, Please. Thank You.
- My Other Dick Is in Your Mom’s Mouth.
- Why Don't You Make Me, Butthead?
- Tits R Kool.
- This Planet Smells.
- You Should See My Other Hat. Fuck You.