In Development: The Silicone Prostonic Massager
The Research and Development arm of Thing X, Inc. is dedicated to staying at the forefront of consumer products and technology. Each week, we offer potential investors a glimpse into some of the exciting projects we'll be rushing into the marketplace as quickly as is humanly possible.
Thing X, Inc. Patent #8003979: The Silicone Prostonic Massager
Target Demographic: Males 25 and up
Projected Retail Price: $35
Expected Release Date: see below
Overview: The Thing X sexual wellness team was tasked with enhancing the male experience by finding a method for stimulating the prostate gland in ways previous Thing X products (including the Mad Cow Butt Plug and the Punitrator Anal Dong) were unable to accomplish. The team’s experiments with low sound frequencies have led to the creation of the Silicone Prostonic Massager, a breakthrough in erotic technology that results in 37 percent more ejaculatory force and 61 percent more ejaculatory volume.
An unfortunate side effect of the technology is that, because the walls of the rectum are too thin to contain the sound waves generated by the device, the Silicone Prostronic Massager triggers involuntary orgasms in all males within a 50-mile radius.
How It Works: A gently curved wand slightly larger than a man’s middle finger, the Silicone Prostonic Massager creates subsonic waves that stimulate the prostate above and beyond what is achieved by the device’s physical contact with the extremely sensitive gland. As noted earlier, however, the massager inadvertently induces powerful orgasms in males within a dangerously wide radius—and not just human males: dogs, cats, birds, rodents, and insects have all been shown to reach sexual climax against their will. Even plants and microorganisms that do not reproduce with semen have been observed spurting a prodigious amount of white, viscous fluid that ultimately kills them due to the trauma placed on anatomy not designed to ejaculate.
The Silicone Prostonic Massager comes in a variety of flesh tones and has a comfort grip handle at its base for ease of insertion.
Applications: While the market for men's sex toys is increasing, some consumers may be uncomfortable with experiencing orgasms on such a potentially devastating scale. Nevertheless, Thing X believes men should have the freedom to make their own erotic accessory decisions, which is why the Silicone Prostonic Massager will be rushed to US stores by March of this year, June internationally.
It is also likely that the Silicone Prostonic Massager may, with little modification, be used as a powerful weapon. To this end, Thing X researchers are conducting tests in remote desert regions, where the massager’s capabilities may be fully studied without forcing more than a few scorpions to ejaculate.
Additional Notes: Attempts at dampening the effect of the massager with sound-absorbing fabrics have thus far proven less than successful, and it would be unreasonable to expect an aroused man to don a heavy insulated garment every time he wanted to use the massager, particularly when its side effects would only be reduced from 50 to an estimated 45 miles.