In Development: The Afterbirth Red Carpet
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Thing X, Inc. Patent #2441982: The Afterbirth Red Carpet
Expected Release Date: March 21, 2013
Projected Retail Price: $250
Major Markets: Hospital birthing centers nationwide
Target Demographic: Expectant mothers desiring A-list treatment for their postpartum uterine discharges
The birth of a child is an unforgettable, life-changing experience. But far too often, the arriving newborn receives all the attention, while the subsequent afterbirth attracts little or no fanfare whatsoever, despite the pivotal role it played in keeping that newborn alive for nine months. At long last, the Afterbirth Red Carpet gives placental expulsion the "Hollywood treatment" it so richly deserves.
As the afterbirth exits the woman’s birth canal, it slides elegantly down a bright red strip of carpet, slips seamlessly into a tiny tuxedo (or ball gown, depending on the gender of the infant it once nourished), and triggers a flurry of camera flash bulbs, until finally entering a limousine-shaped container with tinted windows, ready for disposal.
How It Works
A six-foot-long strip of durable polyethylene terephthalate, the Afterbirth Red Carpet gently clips to the vaginal introitus of a post-dilated woman and extends outward from between her legs. The synthetic material is quite slippery (additional lubricant not recommended), allowing for the afterbirth to slide down on its own, provided the carpet remains at an incline of 30 degrees or more. The carpet wipes clean in seconds, so it can be easily reused in future births.
Once the sex of the child has been verified by attending doctors, the placenta tuxedo or evening gown (designed by Lucca Bocchetti) is properly placed so that the afterbirth slides into its wardrobe immediately upon entering the world.
The carpet is equipped with 18 wireless motion-sensor cameras, disguised as three-inch tall paparazzi, that trigger flashing bulbs and pre-recorded exclamations as the placental expulsion passes access points along its glamorous promenade. The paparazzi messages include: “Look over here!” “Oh my God, you look fabulous!” and “Who are you wearing?”
At the foot of the carpet sits a 9-inch-by-13-inch airtight container shaped like a limousine. The “door” of the container should be left open, allowing the afterbirth to glide into it as the obstetrician says, “Good evening, sir/ma’am.” The container also has four small wheels, allowing for the placental expulsion to make a realistic exit out of the hospital room. In deluxe models, the limousine container is powered and steered by remote control in a manner similar to an R/C toy buggy.
And just like Hollywood superstars, afterbirth doesn’t always show up on time, sometimes taking at least 30 minutes after the baby is delivered to arrive. Thing X researchers have compensated for this by equipping the Afterbirth Red Carpet with a high-capacity battery capable of maintaining a charge for up to 20 hours.
Currently, the Afterbirth Red Carpet is not equipped for multiple births or cesarean deliveries, though carpets specially designed for these less common events will soon be in development. Thing X is committed to making afterbirth the talk of Tinseltown.