In Development: BB-107X Prototype Noise-Basketballing Headphones

The Research and Development arm of Thing X, Inc. is dedicated to staying at the forefront of consumer products and technology. Each week, we offer potential investors a glimpse into some of the exciting projects we'll be rushing into the marketplace as quickly as is humanly possible:

Overview

While there are currently many noise-canceling headphones on the market that are effective, well-designed, and relatively inexpensive, until now there have been no commercially available headphones that transform ambient noise into the reverberating sound of basketballs being dribbled in a gymnasium.

The BB-107X prototype noise-basketballing headphones solve this perennial problem; now, any consumer who purchases these (MSRP $299.99) can be treated to the sounds of basketballs being dribbled instead of loud talking, car alarms, air conditioners, or other noise nuisances that interrupt one’s enjoyment of music. The headphones are also useful to those who may not be in the mood for music, but simply seek escape from distracting ambient noise so they can concentrate or relax with the auditory aid of basketballs being dribbled in an unsynchronized fashion.

The BB-107X Headphones are merely the first in a series of noise-modifying headphones. Future models will neutralize distracting or irritating external auditory stimuli via noise-throat-clearing, noise-tap-dancing, noise-castanet-clattering, and noise-woodpeckering.

How They Work

1. External noise interrupts the user, and does not sound like basketballs being dribbled.

2. The user flips a switch on the headphones' cord to one of three settings: One basketball being dribbled, several basketballs being dribbled, or an out-of-breath, overweight middle-age man shooting free-throws by himself.

3.The ambient sound (P-Wave) is cancelled out by an inverted phase of the same amplitude created by the headphones (B-Wave) that sounds like basketballs being incessantly dribbled.

4. If the user is listening to music, it will now be accompanied by the sound of basketballs being dribbled, the volume of which will adjust automatically to the relative ambient noise and either complement one’s music, or drown it out all together.

Development Notes

There is the possibility of explosion and fire if the person using the headphones turns on the noise-basketballing feature at the same time he or she is listening to recordings of basketballs being dribbled. Additionally, if one wishes to cover up the ambient external noise of basketballs being dribbled and turns on the noise-basketballing headphones, he or she will hear the disembodied voice of sports commentator Bill Walton shouting “Stupendous!” over and over again. Researchers at Thing X, Inc. R&D are still uncertain as to the underlying scientific principles that cause this.