HR Update: Interaction Poles
In order to keep our employees abreast of the frequent and often mystifying changes to Thing X, Inc. policies and procedures, updates to the Human Resources Employee Manual will be posted here as necessary.
THING X, INC. EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK: PART I, UNIT 6, SUBSECTION A
Your Interaction Pole
As noted earlier in this handbook, sexual harassment in the workplace is a very serious issue that Thing X, Inc. strives to address comprehensively in all its 22,000 places of employment worldwide.1 Following a 2010 company-wide investigation during which it was discovered that coerced analingus had become de rigueur in even the most basic professional interactions, a new sexual-harassment policy has been implemented that requires the issuance of a 15-foot-long carbon-fiber Interaction Pole, or IP, to every employee.
The Interaction Pole ensures that all employees remain at least four (4) yards from one another at all times to prevent any physical contact that could be construed as sexual harassment. The IP’s state-of-the-art grasping mechanism allows employees to exchange documents and other intra-office communiqués, while ensuring no inappropriate brushing, grabbing, or forcible anus-licking takes place.
Proper Use of Interaction Poles
Listed below are some guidelines outlining the ways in which IPs should and should not be used in the workplace.2
- Relaying and receiving work-related materials
- Shaking IPs with other employees by way of professional greeting
- Waving in a friendly manner to coworkers while using the IP to grasp a sheet of paper cut to resemble a comically over-sized human hand
- Stapling (please fill out requisition form SP-090 to obtain an Interaction Pole stapler attachment from Properties
- In conjunction with a pair of binoculars, gently removing an eyelash from a coworker’s cheek3
- Groping (e.g. “erotic kneading”4) of coworkers’ breasts, testicles, or rear ends
- Sharpening the IP’s pincers to such an extent that a coworker’s flesh is pierced or cut
- Picking fruit from The Forbidden Vines5
- Handing coworkers notes threatening them with coerced or forcible analingus
Since the introduction of Interaction Poles, there have been numerous reports of an activity referred to as “poling,” in which an employee takes a coffee filter from the office kitchen area, moistens it using either water or saliva, and, in order to simulate non-consensual analingus, uses his or her IP to rub the wet filter along the anus of a coworker who is held down by the Interaction Poles of five to seven others. Thing X, Inc. discourages this type of behavior, and pending the results of an ongoing investigation, changes to the official anti-harassment policy will be made to reflect management’s position on this matter.
1. With the exception of the lawless and bloody Thing X subterranean office society, formed in 1823 in the ancient catacomb system 20,000 feet beneath the New York City branch. While HR policies cannot be enforced among this shadowy, cult-like group, its members have a reputation for handling internal disputes with brutal efficiency.
2. When not on company property, employees may use poles in any way they see fit, as long as all bodily fluids are thoroughly cleaned from the IP before returning to work the next business day. For this, Human Resources recommends Thing X Interaction Pole Cleanser®, which employees can purchase at a 20 percent discount through our online company store.
3. Only after explicitly stating that no romantic or sexual intent underlies the gesture.
4. e.g., “honking.”
5. Located only in the Cleveland, Ohio regional office.