How to Make Your Man Cum Really, Really Hard

Let’s face it—men love to cum. And as ladies, we love making them cum. (Guilty as charged, right, girls?) But here’s what you may not know: A surprising new study shows that nine out of ten men are only truly satisfied when we coerce them into coming really hard. So why let your man just plain old cum when, with a little effort, you can push him to the next level? Here are a few surefire tips to make him cum as forcefully as possible:

1. Surprise!
There’s nothing more fun than surprising your man with a bottle of red wine and a pan of homemade lasagna. Try it right after work, when he’s sure to be hungry (for food and oral sex). After you’ve eaten, lure him into the bedroom with your exposed breasts. Come to mama!

2. Start with His Ears
Yes, it’s true most men get turned on by the slightest glimpse of bare skin, just like robots or cavemen! But the male body is an absolute minefield of erogenous zones, and according to another surprising new study, the ears just may be the hottest of them all. After all, he can’t hear anything out of his penis, can he? (Well, maybe your man can!)

Start by moaning and groaning in his ear, then let your heavy breath heat up and moisten his lobes. The dampness will instinctively make him start thinking about his own cum, and also about cumming really, tremendously hard. Gentlemen, your engines have started whether you like it or not!

3. Make Him Wait for It
There’s nothing hotter than a little thing called anticipation. Once you feel your man getting hard, give him the most smoldering look in your arsenal, tell him you’ll be back in a second, and then leave the room, locking the door behind you and leaving him inside for three to five hours (see our previous article “Installing Locks in Your Man’s House”). Buff your nails, pluck your eyebrows, take a shit for all we care—just make sure you ignore him, even if he begs you to open the door. When you finally do return, he’ll be very angry and scared, but that’ll only get him hotter. Pick up right where you left off and get that soldier back to attention!

Bonus tip: Remove the battery from his phone ahead of time so he can’t call for help.

4. Load the Cannon
Now it’s time to start filling his testes with what we like to call “ammo.” First, grip his penis as tightly as you can without your hand cramping and start masturbating him. Hard. This may seem obvious, but it’s very important to achieving an extremely hard cum. Next, without saying a word, jam a few lubed fingers into his anus and feel around for the prostate. This is a walnut-sized gland that’s up his ass, so take as long as you need to locate it. Really work that thing over and watch for the build-up of fluid in his now-purple testicles.

Keep at it, and don’t forget about those ears! Whisper sexy things to him like, “be a real man” or, “I want to rub my vagina pussy all over your face and hair” or “I want you to cum so hard you break my fucking fingers.”

By now his prostate and balls should be putty in your hands, so get ready to set that cannon off with a bang, ladies!

5. Kablammo!
Brace yourself, because this is the part where your man absolutely loses his mind. As he begins to scream out, don’t be alarmed if his jaw locks open or if you notice a yellowish foam at the corners of his mouth. This is normal, as is any reddening of the eyes due to burst blood vessels. Once he starts convulsing and clawing at you (be sure to wear your long-sleeved teddy!) he’s finally ready to make his cum shoot out.

Watch as his penis transforms into an angry red fire hose of ecstasy right before your eyes. The ejaculate will rocket from his penis with devastating force, so cover your head and keep out of the line of fire, missy! If any furniture or wall-hangings are damaged by the discharge, don’t worry—he’ll be happy to pay for it considering he’s just cum harder than he even knew was physically possible!

Your work behind you, all you have to do at this point is sit by and watch as he cums and cums and cums all over everything and everyone in the room!

6. Recovery
All good things come at a price, as we found out in last month’s article, “Panties: Quality, Not Quantity,” so your man is going to need a little time to recuperate. Wipe down his body and head with a wet rag, make sure he gets plenty of fluids, and monitor his vital signs for the next 24 hours. Then call his office and cancel his meetings, ’cause this boy is all yours!